2018 feels like one of those years where everything is one big transition. I have lived years that have recurring themes or are either very grounded or just wild and crazy. But this year feels like everything is moving and swirling. Its one of those years where there is never enough time but nothing is happening at quite the right pace. In these massive transition periods a lot of us come up feeling vulnerable. At least I do. And for someone who constantly needs to be in control, I am learning a lesson that vulnerability can be beautiful. I am throwing myself into things that I have no idea what the outcome will be. I know I have manifested change, we all do at some point. And I have gotten that change by going back to school and starting a new business, but I thought at some point it would level out and my mind would not be a Milky Way of thoughts and emotions. Will what I, or any of us, do matter in the future? I don’t know. I have a feeling they will but in the process I am learning to be okay with the “what if things don’t go my way” because this is where lessons that lead to growth will sprout.

In this vulnerable space I have already learned at least one lesson that I can guarantee I am not alone in. I have a deep longing to tend to both the spiritual realm and the material world. A great oxymoron of modern times. It comes down wanting to do good and make an impact on the reality of this world while also gaining insight to enlightenment of the soul. Some teachers claim that we must release a longing of the material world in order to grow spiritually, or religiously. But then comes the complexity of human nature….why are we here on this earth? One could say that because humans possess an ego and are given free will that as long as we do good on earth our souls will grow. Yes, I believe everything is connected, every inter-dimensional, metaphysical part of us all leads us “home”. But where is the balance?

I recently found out that my Life Path Number is 8 (seriously some of you should google Numerology, it is a fascinating study) and I realized that it is one of the most blessed and “cursed”, no that too strong of a word…”interesting struggles?” The number 8 is a symbol for “infinite”. Which means that both success and struggle are infinite. What the hell? I thought these angels that live outside of the Matrix were supposed to have nurturing answers. But I learned a long time ago that those who go looking for answers end up with more questions (that was probably from watching too many episodes of “Lost” honestly).

So what did I come up with from trying to find answers to wanting and needing both materialism and spirituality? I found out that wanting to help the world become a better place is a great struggle. To do something with love is hard work, often even discouraging because sometimes it leads to heartbreak and trauma. But helping the world be a better place connects us to ourselves in ways that the soul feeds on. At times my soul can feel neglected and I have let it become vulnerable in these transitions by focusing on material tasks. But if you’re like me and your soul gets lost there are many simple things that help me remember that my soul is thriving. For one I FEEL. I allow myself to feel every emotion, the good, bad, crazy, uncertain. I remind myself that emotions are the absence of numbness. This realization that “I feel” connects me to something bigger. Also, gratitude. I just love remembering all the things I have. I have family, friends, and a dog that love my endlessly. I have people and things that I love too. Music is a big one, and of course writing. All of these things that you and I already have can help in realizing a balance between the material and spiritual. The practice of gratitude is incredibly healing and often helps us on our way.

These days, seasons, and even years when the time never seems right to get our thoughts straight are often a lesson in how we are breathing. Are we letting enough life in? I still seek so many answers, but I have always been really good asking the questions.